iJokes Funny jokes, hilarious quotes, popular lines, short funny quotes.
Feb.2012-May.2023
- If strippers can be called exotic dancers, then drug dealers should be called exotic pharmacist.
- Reasons I check my voice-mail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
- Would you like a table?.. No I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground, carpet for five please.
- What if birds aren’t singing, they’re just screaming because they’re scared of heights?
- Heroes don’t wear capes, they wear dog tags.
- You know your Twitter timeline is boring when you get unfollowed by a spambot.
- I thought I was gaining weight. Turns out, I’m just really bad at doing my own laundry.
- Good friends do not let you do stupid things….. alone.
- The internet is a great place to turn strangers into enemies.
- A great life beats a clean conscience.
- Girls: “Oh my god! i hate her..” “OMG ME TOO!” = instant best friends.
- Has anyone noticed that the texts you’re trying to cancel always send faster?
- The awkward moment when you blush but you’re not embarrassed.
- If you resort to stalking, it may be time to rethink your relationship.
- Dear inventors of Tampons, How awkward was it for you to explain your invention to everyone?
- Teacher- I hope I don`t see you copying another student`s homework. Student- Yeah, I hope you don`t see that either.
- Lazy Rule #237: No shower is needed, if you’re not going anywhere.
- I let some blind guy borrow money the other day. He said he was gonna pay me back the next time he saw me…Wait…
- I’m sorry I keep calling you and hanging up. I just got this new phone & it’s voice activated. So every time I yell dumbass, it dials you.
- I saw a man at the beach yelling “Help, Shark” Somehow I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him!
- Everyone has that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper.
- You’re not fat, you’re just.. easier to see!
- If robbers ever broke into my house searching for money, I would just laugh and search with them!
- Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
- We’re all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings!
- I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free!
- I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here!
- I can’t be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
- I spent all day at work staring at my phone. Now it’s time for me to go home and stare my phone. But with the TV on.
- At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?
- I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop. He just sat there drinking his coffee. Like a psychopath!
- So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me it’s politics?
- A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you’ll look forward to the trip.
- Do not go to the bathroom in a dream. It’s a trap.
- I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
- Rich men treat ladies the way ladies treat broke men.
- A married man has two options in an argument: He can be right, or he can be happy!
- I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice!
- I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed.” I’m always ready for bed!
- I’m not sure what shocked my mailman more, the fact that I came to the door completely naked, or the fact that I knew where he lived.
- It’s not hotter this year. It’s just that you’re fatter and there’s more surface area for the sun to hit.
- If strippers can be called exotic dancers, then drug dealers should be called exotic pharmacist.
- Pretty sure I look forward to my boss vacation’s more than he does!
- Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
- Whenever a wrong number calls me & hangs up I always call them back & tell them it was their loss because I’m really fun to talk to.
- Have you ever seen a baby horse trying to stand for the first time? That’s what I look like getting out of bed in the morning.
- You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are until you hear a child sing them.
- You know you’re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
- I’m not saying I hate you, but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
- Sometimes I just want to go where all the missing socks go.
- I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check!
- It’s OK password, I’m insecure too!
- Sometimes waking up means the best part of your day is over!
- I was gonna do a time travelling joke but you guys didn’t like it!
- Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job!
- I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious!
- I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave!
- Flies only live for 24 hours. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever!
- I hate when I’m in a hurry at the bank & I get a really chatty teller! “What kind of gun is that?” How many bullets does it hold?
- That awkward moment when your crush is absent from school, and you wasted a really cute outfit.
- History always tells a story. That’s why you must always clear it before your dad uses the computer.
- Laughter is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing without any reason, you need medicine!
- When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep till noon, because I’m a problem Solver!
- Yeah, I’ll meet you there. I just have to run home and change my mind.
- You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.
- I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
- The hardest part of a business, is minding your own.
- You know you’re ugly when you call yourself ugly and no one disagrees with you.
- I can’t help being lazy. It walks in the family!
- The last breasts I touched belonged to a dead chicken.
- At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
- I love it when the teacher steps outside and the class goes wild.
- I wouldn’t take a bullet for you, because if I have time to jump in front of the bullet, you have time to move!
- The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.
- I’m not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.
- It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road.
- People in movies act like they’ve never seen a movie.
- Jealousy is a terrible disease please get well soon bitch!
- What School really prepares you for: 1% Arts. 2% History. 5% English. 5% Math. 7% Problem solving. 80% Dealing with idiots.
- I don’t always understand a subject but when I do…. It’s after the test.
- Research shows that in 99% of cases, when someone says “Oh no she didn’t!”, she in fact, did.
- I like when Google answers my stupid questions because it means I’m not the only one asking Google stupid questions.
- Just like our bodies, our minds need exercise. That’s why I think of jogging every morning.
- My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
- Money is not a problem. The problem is I don’t have any of it.
- Some women need to learn that being attractive is not an excuse for being a bitch.
- You look like something I’d draw with my left hand.
- You never really know someone until you talk to them at 4 am.
- At this point, it’s impossible to “keep calm” and remember to do all the things those signs tell us to do!
- If you like water, you already like 70% of me!
- Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting!
- That awkward moment when you’re trying not to look when someone is staring at you.
- Some people dress like they weren’t made fun of enough in High School.
- Do the Chinese realize that when they’re visiting America, they buy souvenirs made in their own country?
- The tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
- That moment when you clean your glasses and suddenly everything is in HD.
- Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
- etc… simply means Ending of Thinking Capacity.
- Whenever somebody said they did something “Like a Boss” I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.
- I hate people who steal my ideas, before I think of them.
- I love my toilet. We’ve been through a lot of shit together!
- When calling my boss’s by his name, I need to remember that the “Hey Asshole” is silent.
- I love that one kid that always argues with the teacher and wins.
- That strange moment when you wake up one minute before your alarm clock!
- Making weird faces in photos because it’s better to look ugly on purpose!
- Don’t send me a 😉 face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.
- Me, fail English? Thats Unpossible!
- I know what I’m doing – What people say before they screw something up.
- Asian gangs, also known as study groups!
- You’re not living life right if you don’t get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren!
- Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
- Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.
- Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
- Treat me like a joke, watch me leave you like it’s funny!
- My idea of a good morning is one when I open my eyes, take a deep breath, then go back to sleep.
- A babysitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers!